Boys growing up, both straight and gay, are subjected to something called the “boy code”. It is a set of unwritten societal expectations about what it means to be a boy and man in our society. It is enforced by peers, parents, teachers and coaches in playgrounds, classrooms and on athletic fields. The rules are simple, and violations are enforced with shame, humiliation and ridicule:
- Be independent, self-reliant, tough and aggressive.
- Pursue achievement and status.
- Do not express vulnerable emotions, like fear, sadness, hurt or caring. Don’t express the need for care from others.
- Avoid and reject all things that are feminine. No sissy stuff.
- Reject closeness with other men.
Parents might be surprised to learn how they have unconsciously internalized these messages. For example, a little girl who falls and scrapes her knee will be held and comforted. A little boy will be told to get up and “be a man”. Those who succeed in meeting the boy code’s expectations learn to disconnect themselves from their more sensitive sides. Any expression of vulnerability or sensitivity is rejected. Boys frequently lose the capacity to even identify more sensitive emotions and are just as aware of feeling “bad”. Boys who succeed in meeting the demands of the code end up unable to approach true intimacy and connection in their relationships. Those who can’t or won’t meet the code’s demands are often left with deep feelings of shame or inadequacy around not being a real man.
Straight boys learn that they need to be on guard and stick to the code if they want to maintain their status. It feels good to dominate and be on top. For those who aren’t on top, at least there are still those under them (gays and girls). Gay boys may reject this code but can still internalize it and feel shame. This internalized shame is manifested in the gay community by high rates of teen suicide, alcoholism, drug abuse and sex addiction.
How The Boy Code Damages Relationships:
One vital requirement for a healthy relationship is the ability to express empathy. When we are feeling down or hurt, what we really need is to have someone understand how we feel, express that understanding and comfort us. The boy code makes it hard for men to identify their more vulnerable feelings or empathize with hurt. Men will usually just try to fix the problem and become defensive when their partners become frustrated with this.
Another vital requirement for intimacy is the capacity for vulnerability. One thing that brings people closer together is shared humanity around our soft spots, as fellow human beings with similar struggles. The boy code excludes vulnerability. How can you have closeness when you’re busy being strong and invulnerable?
The unwritten expectations of the boy code are pervasive and damaging. In relationships these expectations and demands undermine the foundations of intimacy and closeness. In my next post I talk about how to learn to undo this code in your relationships.