As a therapist in San Francisco, I find that anxiety is one of the most common issues bringing people in for therapy. Anxiety often gets us stuck in repetitive negative patterns of thinking and negative ways of seeing the world. In anxiety the thoughts are usually “What if something terrible happens?” These thoughts have a very powerful impact on what we feel and what we do. Often they run automatically and seem to have a life of their own. Getting some perspective and distance from these thoughts can be an important key to feeling better.
Thoughts are not facts. Many people seem to see distressing thoughts as a ‘voice of authority’ that need to be taken very seriously. And they take the way they’re feeling emotionally as proof of the thought’s validity. Events alone do not create emotions. But the way we think about these events does affect the way we feel. Taking thoughts less seriously and creating some distance from them is a way out. Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are not necessarily your friends.
A Thought Experiment Exercise. Think of the scariest thought you can, and put it into a one word question that starts with your “what if” fear. Think about what ultimate catastrophic outcome the fear is trying to avoid. Summarize the fear and the catastrophic outcome in a sentence. Here are some examples:
What if I get humiliated by my boss in the meeting and wind up fired, homeless and living in a box on the street?
What if I get stuck in the Bart while traveling under the bay in an earthquake and then get slowly crushed to death?
What if I say something stupid at the party and people think I’m stupid?
What if I have a panic attack in the supermarket and pass out?
What if my flight gets cancelled and I’m struck in the airport being miserable and hungry and angry for hours and hours?
Now say your fear, slowly and out loud, 35 times. Do all 35. What did you observe? How did the last repetition compare with first one in emotional impact? Any difference? You may have observed that with repetition the scary thoughts lost some of their impact. This is different from arguing with scary thoughts or trying to distract yourself from them. It is learning to recognize them for what they are, just thoughts. They don’t have to run your life, and you don’t have to run from them.
The Principle of Opposite Action What is the scary thought telling you to do? Usually it’s about going into a protective mode: flee, fight, resist, or avoid It’s telling you that you’re in danger and you have to respond to that danger. It’s also telling you that this scary thought is the most important thing in your life, more important than anything else that might matter to you. The more you respond to an anxious thought in this way, the stronger and more persistent the anxiety will get.
You can also use problematic or anxious thoughts as a kind of reverse compass to guide your actions. They can point you in a direction out of the loop and back into your life. All you need to do is track what they’re telling you to do and do the opposite. For example, if someone has anxiety in social situations, the anxious thoughts will tell them to not make eye contact, be quiet, and leave as soon as possible. The opposite might be to make eye contact, introduce themselves to someone they don’t know, and stay longer.
Here’s one way to break out of the cycle of scary thoughts, negative emotions, and defensive actions. Make a list with two columns 1) What are your automatic responses to a scary thoughts? 2) How do those responses affect you? Now make another list with two columns. 1) What would be the opposite action to your automatic response? 2) How might that alternate response might affect you?
You may want to come back to who you are as a person. What is most important in your life? What are your core values? What do you stand for? Based on these values and what really matters to you, what action would you take in the world? Accept your current reality, including your feelings and thoughts, and take action based on your best self. Take action based on who you really want to be in the world. Is this scary thought really more important than anything else in your life?
A Three Minute Breathing Space: Getting Distance From Your Anxious Thoughts
Step One, Awareness: For one minute, bring yourself into the present moment by adopting an upright balanced posture. Close your eyes and check inside. What is my experience right now in thoughts, feelings and body sensations. Label your present experience as though it were a painting in a museum.
Step Two, Gathering: For one minute, gently redirect your attention to your breathing, to each in breath and each out breath, one after another. Pay attention at the rising and falling of the belly or to the air as it comes in and out of your nostrils.
Step Three, Expanding: For one minute, gently your awareness around your breathing to include your body as a whole, your posture, and your facial expression. Maintain awareness of the present moment.