Working as a couple and marriage counselor in San Francisco, it is clear that one of the realities of being in a long-term, intimate relationship is that there are going to be disagreements and fights. For some reason one of our common experiences in being human is that we find differences in other people very annoying. And as much as we may love someone, differences will come up and they are going to irritate us.
One of the core differences in relationships that last and those that don’t is that people in long-lasting, healthy relationships are able to make effective repairs when these conflicts come up. Fights happen. Conflict is inevitable. But are you able to talk about it afterwards, without re-starting the fight?
If conflicts in your marriage or relationship have taken on a life of their own and seem to be spinning out of control, there are probably important underlying issues that are not being addressed. Conflicts over seemingly trivial issues can then escalate and take on a life of their own.
One vital skill for healthy relationships is learning to step out of the cycle of the fight, identify that you’re stuck in a cycle, and talk about what is going on. It’s also important to be able to stop identifying your partner as the problem and instead realize that there is a cycle going on that you’re both stuck in.
Sue Johnson of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute uses the metaphor of being trapped in a dance. The music starts to play, and the couple responds by dancing the old familiar dance. Behavior A triggers Response B. Response B exacerbates Behavior B. And so on.
By far the most common pattern of conflict is called the “Blamer – Withdraw” pattern. Here’s an example: Person A is feeling that person B is not available, has let them down, or is withholding love or affection. Person A approaches person B, “You are so emotionally unavailable! What is wrong with you? Where are you? You’re never here for me!” Person B feels attacked, so they withdraw in an attempt to protect themselves and the relationship. Person A sees this as a further proof that person A is not engaged and gets louder with their complaint. Person B uses this as evidence that they are being judged and treated unfairly, so they withdraw even more.
What is your cycle? Sue Johson’s book “Hold Me TIght” can help you learn to identify and stop your particular ‘dance.’
More Helpful Relationship Skills
Softened Startup. The first sentence in dealing with a conflict usually predicts how the whole discussion will go. The initial approach can make all the difference. Make “I” statements instead of “you ” statements. (Instead of saying “You never listen to me” try something like “I’d like you to listen.”) Describe what is happening neutrally instead of accusing or blaming. (Instead of “You lazy jerk!,” say something like “I could use some help with this today.”) Talk clearly and specifically about what you want or need. Make specific requests about what you are wanting or needing. Be polite. Give appreciation. And don’t store things up and dump them all at once on your partner.
Repair and de-escalation. After a fight has happened, it’s important to try and fix things/ It’s equally important to notice and respond when your partner is trying to fix things.Here are some concrete ways to make a repair:
• Talk about your feelings. (“That hurt my feelings.”)
•Apologize. (“I was being too extreme, I’m sorry.”)
•See if you can allow your partner’s point of view to have an influence on you. (“I agree with some of what you’re saying.”)
•Calm down. (“Let me take a time out.”)
•Stop the fight in the middle. (“We need to take a break.”)
•Appreciate your partner. (“Thank you for…”)
Accepting Influence. Long-lasting healthy relationships share the quality of allowing the other person have an influence on you. Aikido has a principle called “Yield to Win.” In order to have influence in a system, you need to allow yourself to also be influenced. “Yield to Win” simply means being willing to consider that your partner may be at least partly right, and allowing them to influence you. Here’s an example:
Person A: “Are you going to pay those bills tonight?”
Person B: “I’ve got a lot on my plate, I thought I’d get to them next week.”
Person A: “I’m feeling anxious about getting them in late, could you do it tonight?”
(And here’s the clever ‘yield to win’ response from Person B.)
Person B: “OK.”
Getting to a compromise. Define your bottom line areas, things that you cannot compromise on. Define the areas where there is some flexibility. Come up together with a temporary compromise that you can both live with. Accept what you can’t change. Accept each other as you are.
For more help with tools that can help your relationship, check out John Gottman’s book “Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.”