As human beings we are social animals. Babette Rothschild, in her book “Help for the Helper,” says that an essential part of human empathy is based on our unconscious physical mirroring of others. Mirror neurons in our brain can literally reflect the activities of another’s brain cells. These mirror neurons help us to learn a new dance step or play tennis by watching others. They can allow us to feel what an actor is feeling in a movie or share the victory of a sports star. They can also cause us to become stressed, frightened, depressed or anxious when we are around stressed, frightened, depressed or anxious people.
Mirroring is usually unconscious. An example is our automatic smile in the checkout line when the cashier smiles at us. Emotions have specific, observable physical expressions. They also have unobservable nervous system changes, such as changes in heart rate and skin temperature. Unconsciously copying others can stimulate non-observable changes and effect the way we feel inside. If we are really trying to connect closely to someone this unconscious mirroring can be a big help. But if we are around difficult people and are trying to keep our equilibrium, this can be a big problem.
Ways to Reduce “Emotional Contagion” When You’re Around Difficult People
·Try undoing unconscious mirroring. You may be unconsciously mimicking the body posture and facial expressions of the other person. You could be crossing your legs, leaning in or out, or matching their posture in some way. Pay attention to how you might be unconsciously mirroring the other person and consciously change it. Notice if this changes how you feel inside.
·Tense the muscles in your arms, chest and belly to give yourself a physical sense of your own boundaries. You can do this by standing facing a door and pushing against it with your arms, engaging the muscles in the arms and chest, and if possible down into the belly. Do this until the muscles feel just a little bit tired and then back off slowly to the count of 10. The muscles in your arms and chest should feel more awake and engaged.
·Sense where in your body you feel it when you are being triggered by being around difficult people. This requires paying close attention to sensations and emotions in your body, Notice how you feel inside when you are in a neutral situation. Then try and notice what, where and how you feel distress in your body, such as when you are around a difficult person. If you can identify in your body where difficult people ‘get to you.’ (For example the belly) you can work to activate the muscles in that area beforehand. For example, if you feel the distress in your belly, you can do a partial sit-up, holding the sit-up position until mild tiredness sets in, and then backing off slowly to the count of 10. This will ‘activate’ those muscles and give you more or a sense of a boundary there. You may also want to work on strengthening those muscles over time though exercise.
·Learn how to ‘harden your eyes.’ . Focus on some very small object, like the tip of your fingernail or a small line on your watch. Then look up and look out with that same hardness of gaze. Try to do this without tensing other muscles around your eyes or in your face. You can practice with a mirror or with another person.
Boundary and Grounding Exercise
Here’s an exercise to do to imagine your boundaries before entering a difficult situation. Breath deeply into the belly, with a slow full breath. Imagine deep roots going down from the bottoms of your feet deep into the earth (if you are standing) or a cord of energy going down from perineum (if you are sitting). Imagine pulling grounding energy up from the earth when you inhale and releasing stress and anxiety down into the earth with your exhale. Spend a minute or two with this visualization.
Then imagine a protective energetic shell all around you at about arms length, like the shell of an egg. You are like the yolk of the egg. Your imagined boundary can be flexible, capable of being has hard as steel or as thin as mist, depending on the situation and the person. You are in control of your own boundary. While visualizing this protective boundary, light it up in your imagination in a very bright color to activate it.