How do we find peace and calm in our lives when life seems to present us with so many hard and difficult situations? Doing therapy in San Francisco, every day I am reminded of how we all face problems in our lives. Problems with health, relationships, work, or finances are common. One universal of  being a human being is we all face difficulties and sometimes tragedies. We are almost always having experiences we do not want and would prefer not to have. Facing these difficulties can sometimes push us into an emotional tailspin.

There are some things we can know for sure. In our lives we will all experience success and failure, pleasure and pain, praise and blame. And the part of our minds that wants will always be wanting things we don’t have, and not wanting things we do have.

Inside ourselves, however, it is possible to find a reservoir of calm, peace and centeredness. This capacity to find inner peace in the midst of uncertainty is known as equanimity. Webster’s dictionary defines equanimity as “evenness of mind, especially under stress.” Equanimity means finding acceptance and balance in our lives. It means finding a center in ourselves, even when difficulties arise.

How To Practice Equanimity  

Inner experiences can be broken down into thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Equanimity is the practice of slowing down and noticing those thoughts and feelings as thoughts and feelings.  And then allowing those thoughts and feelings to be just as they are, whether they are pleasant or painful, wanted or unwanted. We can begin to open up and make room for them and stop wasting time fighting things we cannot change. When we do this, we begin to notice that these experiences naturally come and go all by themselves.

Equanimity does not mean not trying to make things better for ourselves or the world. It does not mean giving up on our dreams and goals. It does mean finding acceptance for our inner experiences (thoughts, feelings, sensations and emotions), even when they are not exactly what we want them to be.

The things that happen inside and outside of us are due to many causes and conditions, many of which are out of our control. We didn’t choose the brain that evolution gave us,  a brain that is hyper-sensistive to danger and tends to notice more of what is wrong rather than what is right. We didn’t choose our childhood experiences.  We didn’t choose the political, social, and enviromental changes that are impacting the world today.

Jack Kornfield says, “Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control. We can love and care for others, but we cannot possess our children, lovers, family or friends. We can assist them, pray for them, and wish them well, yet in the end their happiness and suffering depend on their thoughts and actions, not on our wishes.”

Once again, equanimity does not mean being passive or aloof. It does mean knowing our limits and cultivating an inner state of peace and acceptance. “Balance means flexibility, the ability to adjust graciously to change. Equanimity arises when we accept things the way they are.” What can assist us in finding equanimity? Meditation and mindfulness practices are a great place to start.  Here’s a three part meditation to try:

Techniques To Help Develop Equanimity

•Begin to notice and pay attention to how transitory your own states of mind are. We are always wanting some things and hating other things. We are always reaching for pleasure and fleeing from pain. and our minds are always coming up with new things to reach for and new things to flee from.

•Here are some phrases to play with when thinking about accepting inner experiences we don’t like but can’t change:

Allow it to be there.

Open up and make room for it.

Expand around it.

Give it permission to be where it already is.

Let go of struggling with it.

Stop fighting with it.

Make peace with it.

Give it some space.

Soften up around it.

Let it be.

Breath into it.

Stop wasting your energy on pushing it away.

•Practice accepting things in the world as they are. When you take a walk or a drive and encounter things you like and things you don’t like, repeat silently to yourself “I accept that this ________ is just as it is right now.”

•Practice accepting your loved ones as they are, rather than constantly waiting for them to change. Imagine a loved one, and all the qualities you love and hate in them. Repeat silently to yourself, “I accept __________ just as he/she is right now.”

• Remember that a regular meditation or mindfulness practice can greatly increase steadiness of mind, and can greatly increase our capacity for equanimity. If you would like to learn meditaiton to reduce stress, google “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction” and your location to find a comprehensive 8-week class in your area.

A Meditation for Equanimity (Adapted from Jack Kornfield)

(Part 1) Begin by sitting in a comfortable posture and closing your eyes. Spend some time paying attention to your breathing, and gently relaxing your body and mind. Breathe a little deeper and a little slower than normal, so that your belly rises with the in breath and falls with the out breath.  Adaopting a warm and friendly attitude, and maybe even a soft smile, silently say to yourself:

Breathing in I calm my body.

Breathing out I calm my mind.

 Breathing in, may I be balanced.

 Breathing out, may I be at peace. 

(Part 2) As you sit, and continuing to adopt a kind and friendly attitude, remember the fact that all things are transitory. All things that exist arise and then pass away.  Emotions, thoughts, physical sensations, good experiences, bad experiences, events, people, animals, countries, civilizations, worlds, suns, galaxies and universes. Let yourself rest calmly in the middle of all that is transitory. Silently say to yourself:

Things are as they are, whether I like it or not.

May I accept things as they are.

Whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding according to natural law.

May I be undisturbed by the comings and goings of events. 

May I be open, balanced, and at peace. 

(Part 3) Now imagine someone you care for who may be having a hard time right now. Say silently to yourself.

I will care for you, but I cannot keep you from suffering.

 I wish for happiness for you, but I cannot make your decisions for you.

 I wish you happiness, joy and contentment.  And I am not responsible for your decisions or your suffering.