Whether you are single, just dating, or in a committed long-term relationship, relationships can sometimes be confusing and puzzling things. Seemingly small interactions can send us spiraling into overpowering emotions. Why haven’t they returned my text? Why are they so clingy? Attachment theory gives us a key to understanding the very powerful dynamics at work, and to better understanding ourselves and our partner or potential partner. It is based on studies of the bonds between primary caregivers and children.
Attachment theory teaches us about the bonds of connection that link us together as human beings. These bonds may be between a caregiver and child, or two adults in a relationship. An infant needs to develop a secure relationship with their caregiver, and future relationships build on the patterns learned in this first relationship.
In our society independence and self reliance are strongly valued. But there is something called healthy dependency – a natural, healthy, balanced reliance on another person for acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety. When those needs for connectedness aren’t met, we can get anxious. This originates in our evolutioanry brains, which code disconnectedness or aloneness as danger. Far from making us clingy and dependent, having a strong, reliable bond with another person helps us to be stronger individuals too.
Three Attachment Styles
Someone with a secure attachment style is able to be reliable and consistent in relationships. Under stress, they are able to communicate their wants and needs. They give clear signals. They are able to reach out and give reassuring contact. This comes from having had a childhood caregiver who was consistent and available.
Someone with an anxious attachment style experiences extreme distress when separated from their partner. Under stress they will raise the volume or get angry or clingy. When they feel their relationship is threatened they cannot calm down. This style comes from having had a caregiver that was inconsistently available.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style will send mixed signals. They need relationships, but have a hard time acknowledging that need even to themselves. They suppress the anxiety the feel upon separation and put their attention elsewhere. They have difficulty being intimate. This style comes from having had a caregiver that was usually not available.
Learn More
If you can begin to understand your own and other’s attachment styles, you can begin to understand what drives you and others in relationships. While these patterns are learned at an early age and can be very consistant over time, the good news is that our brains can change and with we are capable of learning to become more secure in our attachment with practice and experience. We can learn to connect more effectively and become more secure in our relationoships. The book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine can help you understand more about your own and other’s attachment styles.
We need to learn how to accept our deep needs for acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety and how to express these needs clearly and directly. We need to learn how to become more accessible, responsive and engaged with our partners. Learning how to give and receive in a responsive way can be enormously healing. Couples counseling can help. The books “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson and“Wired for Love” by Stan Tatkin are good places to start learning how to understand and improve attachment in your relationship. There are also links for couples resources on the resource page of my website.