Where does the inner critic come from? We are all born needing to be connected and needing to be cared for, loved, and valued. As we grow, this broadens into the need to be part of a group and to be wanted and valued by the group. If these needs are met, we feel safe and content and as though we have a place in the world. If we don’t receive adequate care and nurturing from our families, or we meet with bullying or rejection in larger groups, then the threat system in our brain becomes activated and we become anxious, fearful and feel unsafe in the world.
Early experiences in our families and first social groups of being loved, valued and wanted or neglected, rejected or abused directly affect how we learn to feel and think about ourselves. When we have experienced shame or rejection early on, the threat system in our brains becomes activated.
One defense against this type of social threat is to adopt a subordinate, submissive posture. We begin to monitor, blame, and criticize ourselves. We are constantly ducking an expected blow by monitoring ourselves and keeping our heads down and judging ourselves.
Is the inner critic useful?
Many people think that the critic is helping them. Is this really true? Many folks see the critic as a motivator. It can function that way. The questions is, is this actually the best way to reach your goals?
If you were going hire a trainer at the gym, which would you rather have: One that points out all your flaws, how you’ve failed in the past, and that you’re not doing it good enough now? Or one that encourages you, reminds you of past successes, and points out what you’re doing right? If you’re listening to the inner critic, you’ve hired the first trainer.
When you use your inner critic to motivate you, what then happens when you try something new and fail? Maybe you try something that you’ve never done before, and it doesn’t go very well. The critic will always point out all your fears, flaws and failures and make you frighted, afraid, and reluctant to take risks. And it’s only on your side as long as you’re succeeding. If you really want to succeed, you need to be willing to fail. But that’s one thing the critic cannot abide.
How To Disarm the Inner Critic:
Diffusion
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the word “diffusion” is used to mean making space between you and your thoughts, memories and feelings. It means beginning to look at your thoughts and feelings rather than from them. Critical thoughts aren’t a problem in and of themselves, but they can become a huge problem if we buy into them (fuse with them) in ways that make our lives unhappy and unworkable.
Diffusion means changing your relationship to your thoughts. Imagine, for example, having the thought “I’m a failure.” If you buy into this this thought, you might stop putting out any effort in your life, turn down opportunities to grow and learn, and decide to just stay home and hide in bed.
Now imagine that you can just notice this thought as thought they were words floating by on a cloud in the sky. Or words on a computer screen. Or traffic going by on the street. Imagine you are able to just notice the thought floating by, and can then turn your attention back to what you care about and what matters in your life. That’s diffusion
Developing a Compassionate Image
The critic voice is a sign that our emotional threat system has been activated. It is extremely helpful to learn to develop a compassionate image to help calm our nervous systems, create balance, and to have a positive motivation for change. We can learn through practice and using our. A compassionate image can help to strengthen and build the soothing emotional system.
Pick a time and place where you can relax and focus on the following exercise. What you are doing with this exercise is helping to develop new neural pathways. Repetition and consistency helps in strengthening this image.
(1) For a few minutes, attend to your breath, breathe deep into the belly, and breathe a little deeper and slower than normal before beginning.
(2) Choose either a compassionate other or an ideal compassionate self. What image comes to mind when you think about something that cares about you? This compassionate image should have qualities of wisdom, strength, warmth and acceptance. It could be human or not human. It could be a color or an animal. Think about the specific qualities of your ideal compassionate image. Would it be old or young? Male or female? Can you recall a memory when they experienced compassion?
(3) Focus on the image, imagine feeling kindness and understanding emanating from that image. Notice how you feel this feeling in your body. Gently smile.
(4) Stay with your image. Imagine what the image looks like, their tone of voice, their smell, and what they feel like to touch.
(5) Imagine the compassionate image wishing you well and wanting you to be happy, healthy, and to thrive.
Developing a Compassionate Inner Voice
When you are having a difficult time, your inner critic is likely to be evoked. It is part of your learned response to threats. Practice speaking to yourself from your compassionate best. Set the intention to be more kind to yourself and try the following:
- Offer yourself understanding: “This really is difficult.”
- Remember times when you have faced similar situations successfully
- Accept your need to learn. You will learn more as you gain experience, but this does not make you incompetent.
- Accept your own limitations. You can only do your best.
- Remind yourself that other people often have these same kinds of problems. Many people would struggle in this kind of situation.
- Share you difficulties with others, seek help or talk to others
The inner critic is a learned response to perceived threat. It can be changed by using these and other techniques to disarm the critic, take away it’s power, and begin to replace it with a more compassionate inner voice. In making these or any other changes, consistency and repletion is very important. It’s well worth the effort.