We live in very stressful times. Sometimes stress and anxiety get the best of us and take over our lives. Neuroscience tells us that there are three emotional systems that help regulate our nervous system and motivate our behavior. We have a “Threat and Protection” system which helps us respond and react to danger. When this system is active, cortisol and other stress hormones are released in our brains. We have a “Goal and Reward Seeking” system. This system releases dopamine and makes it pleasurable to seek and obtain goals and rewards. And we have a “Soothing and Comfort” system, which releases oxytocin (sometimes called the “love hormone.”) This emotional system helps us to just hang out and be, use our imaginations, play, and connect with others. These three emotional systems are designed to be in balance. The threat system is meant to become engaged only when we need to respond to impending danger.
We’re designed by evolution to react instantly to danger, to make it our #1 priority, and to shut down other needs and desires when danger is at hand. However there are many things that can push our threat and danger system out of balance. It can be more like a faulty smoke alarm that’s going off all the time than something that’s helping us deal with danger. It might be that not getting our needs for safety and comfort attended to when we were children set us up for future problems. Sometimes negative experiences or traumas can throw our threat system out of balance. Anxiety Disorders – such as Panic Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Phobias – are conditions where our thoughts and imagination keep feeding into an experience of danger and threat. When we’re stuck like this, it becomes difficult to regulate our nervous system and come back to a baseline of calm and connection.
Here are some tips from neuroscience to help you to rebalance your emotional system if it gets out of balance. You can find more tips like these in Linda Gaham’s book “Bouncing Back.”
Creating Calm: Rebalance Your Nervous System
Hand on Heart Exercise
When you are feeling distressed, imagine the part of you that is upset as a younger version of yourself that resides in your heart. Take a few deep breaths deep into the belly. Exhale slowly. Gently place your hand on your heart. Meet the distressed part of yourself with kindness and compassion. Gently say to this part of yourself – silently or out loud – in these or in your own words: “I understand you’re upset right now. It makes sense, many people in this situation would be upset. I care about you. I’m here for you. You matter to me.” Imagine breathing compassion and caring into the heart center as you say these words to your younger self. Imagine comforting the scared or frightened part of yourself, just as you would a frightened child or scared puppy.
Why this helps: Touch helps release oxytocin. Deep breathing helps the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in. Compassion helps to activate the “soothing and comfort” emotional system.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
I first experienced this exercise in yoga class. Give yourself at least 10 minutes for this exercise. You can do this lying down or sitting. Slowly scan your body, starting with the feet and toes and ending at the face and head. Or vice versa. As you focus on each part of your body, tense it for 7 seconds and relax it for 15 seconds.
Why this helps: The body cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time. Focused attention to internal sensation helps calm the mind.
Sensing and Savoring Walk
Find a peaceful place in nature or in a park to take a slow walk. Notice as many pleasurable things as possible. Use all of your senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. Notice the play of light and shadow. Hear a birdsong. Watch an animal. Notice the sensations of your feet on the ground. Notice the breeze. Let yourself have a direct, deep experience of the moment. Attend to what’s good or pleasurable in the moment and let yourself savor it.
Why this helps: Our minds are naturally inclined to attend to danger, but it’s possible to help create and strengthen new neural networks by attending to the good.
Soften, Sooth and Allow Meditation
I first learned this meditation from Kristin Neff. This is a useful exercise when something distressing is happening in your life. (You can find a guided audio version of this and other meditations on Kristin Neff’s website on the resource page.)
Sit in a comfortable, upright position. Recall the difficult situation that you are facing and remind yourself of the details of what’s troubling you and how you feel about it. Identify the strongest emotion you are feeling about this situation.
(1) Soften. Locate where in your body you are feeling that emotion most strongly and let yourself feel it as sensation. You might feel numbness, tightness, heat, or something else. Instead of tightening up around it, as is our natural inclination, imagine that you can breath into it and soften all around it.
(2) Sooth.Take your hand and gently touch the place where you are feeling the emotion. Use a soft and caring touch. Try to sooth the difficult emotion. Tell yourself how hard it is to feel this way. Say something to yourself like, “My darling, I’m sorry it’s so hard for you right now.”
(3) Allow. See if you can allow the sensation and the emotion to be there just as it is, and not waste your energy trying to push it away. Try to meet it with gentleness and compassion. Notice how it changes as you spend time with it. Notice how it changes over time, and that it isn’t just one thing
As you do this exercise, other feelings or aspects of your experience may arise. Follow the same process with them.
Why this helps: Self-compassion, touch, attending to internal sensation, and mindful acceptance of what is all help to strengthen the soothing and comfort emotional system.
