As I wrote in my last post, the “boy code” is a set of unwritten expectations about what it means to be a boy and a man in our society. It teaches boys to not be sissies, to be tough, to be aggressive, and to value achievement above all else. It is enforced with shame and humiliation for those who don’t adhere to it. One of the many costs of adhering to it is a loss of the capacity of closeness and intimacy in relationships. In this post I talk about how to begin to undo the boy code in your intimate relationships.
One vital requirement for a healthy relationship is the ability to express empathy. When we are feeling down or hurt, what we really need is to have someone understand how we feel, express their understanding, and comfort us. The boy code makes it difficult for men to identify their own vulnerable feelings or empathize with hurt. Men will instead jump to trying to fix the problem, and become defensive when their partners become frustrated with their efforts. (For a funny video on how this can feel to the male partner, check out this youtube video. )
Another vital requirement in relationships is the capacity for vulnerability. One thing that brings people closer together is shared humanity around our soft spots as fellow human beings with similar struggles. The boy code excludes vulnerability. How can you have closeness when you’re busy being strong and invulnerable?
How To Break Out of the Boy Code in Relationships
1) Learn to become more aware of your emotions. Learn to connect with and stay with your softer, more vulnerable emotions. I sometimes call this “taking the emotional elevator down.” Anger can be easy to connect with, because it feels empowering. But underneath that anger there is usually a softer, more vulnerable hurt that is being protected.
Emotions have four main components. (a) body sensations, (b) the emotions itself (c) thoughts and (d) action impulses. Identifying these parts can help you connect with the emotion. When you go inside, what do you notice? How does it feel in your body? Is it good or bad? If bad, what kind of bad? What is the name of emotion you are feeling? What thoughts come along with this feeling? What impulses?
2) Learn how to communicate your feelings to your partner using “I” statements. “When you do ________, I feel _________.” (Rather than, “You make me feel ______ .” )
3) Learn how to respond empathically to your partner. Attune to what is going on for them. Let them know you care, without trying to fix them. If there is something that you think needs to be fixed, don’t jump to the solution first. Spend time just being with them and their feelings. Once you’ve done this for awhile, if you still need to you can offer your solution. (For more on how to be empathic, check out this Brene Brown video on Youtube. )
4) Work towards becoming more accessible, responsive and engaged (A.R.E.) in your relationships.
Accessible: Strive to be available and present, both emotionally and physically.
Responsive: Pay attention and respond, especially when your partner reaches for connection with you. John Gottman says this can be very simple. Here’s an example of a non-responsive interaction: Partner A: “Look, a sailboat.” Partner B: Says nothing, looks at cell phone. And here’s an example of a responsive interaction: Partner A: “Look, a sailboat.” Partner B: Oh, yes, Nice.”
Engaged: Be an active participant in your relationship. Let your partner know you care about them. Make plans for things to do together. Have rituals of connection, like hugging hello and kissing goodbye each day. Stay connected in good times and bad.